All righty. I can now step up to the dinner plate and post a recipe that puts my chocolate where my mouth is, and hopefully where your mouth will be soon. Move over, Patty’s Newsletter. Finally, after about five years, I now have a low-sugar, low-fat, low-calorie answer to your Twinkie Malt.
For those of you who are not familiar with Patty’s Neighborhood Newsletter, let’s just say that on THAT day of the month—ladies, you know what I mean—the day we receive our Patty’s Neighborhood Newsletter—I breathe a sigh of relief, as once again I am decidedly reassured that I am not eating as badly as I thought. Go ahead, join Patty’s Neighborhood Newsletter yourself. I actually kind of like Patty, not only because I have gotten a lot of mileage out of her recipes (not to mention her awesome Cousin Marie), but she is a resourceful, Midwestern woman with a mind of her own, who has not yet quoted Sarah Palin on her blog.
Just for fun, here’s a recipe from the latest Newsletter, in case you haven’t yet had your little dose of sweetness today:
Chocolate-Chocolate Cake by Patty
1 box chocolate cake mix
1 bag of chocolate chips
1 jar of marshmallow cream, or 1 bag of marshmallows
Follow directions on cake mix
Stir in half bag of chocolate chips
Pour into greased 9×13 cake pan
Spoon marshmallow on top of cake batter
Sprinkle the rest of the chocolate chips on top
Bake in oven, (350 degrees), cool and oh so good and Yummy!!
How many calories do you think is in that? And how many people who make that, do you think, are seriously toasted when this suddenly seems like a good idea? And how many of those people will end up either 1. Eating the ingredients directly out of the box/bag/jar or 2. Stop at only one “serving?” And, come to think of it, this dish has only three ingredients (cake, chocolate chips, marshmallow fluff) so I was wondering if Michael Pollan would approve.
Willie Nelson would approve.
You know, I think I just figured something out about Cousin Marie.
OK, well, if you have a craving for that cake up there, maybe you should just go for it. However, perhaps you ought to try my shake first. It really satisfies even the most decadent taste for chocolate, and tops out at 300 calories. If you eat like a normal person (and trust me, I don’t) you might want to share it with a friend. But in Leschen Brothers’ Luncheonette in Brooklyn, we always served the milkshakes with the extra in the can…to me, that’s just part of having a milkshake. And the whole thing is still 300 calories.
Aunt Violet’s Low Sugar 300-Calorie Dark Chocolate-Chocolate Chip Milkshake
[Also delicious divided into 2–3 portions, frozen in paper cups.]
10 oz. fat-free milk or vanilla coconut milk (90 cal.)
2 heaping tbsp. unsweetened cocoa powder (40 cal.)
2–3 tsps. fine-grained vanilla sugar* (60 cal.) OR
1 oz. vanilla (or other flavor) Italian soda syrup (90 cal.)
3–4 packets Stevia natural sweetener (I use “Truvia.” I think it tastes less like licorice than other stevia products I’ve tried)
10 large ice cubes
3/4 oz. (or so) Belgian 70% (or greater) chocolate bar (80-120 cal.)
Fill a blender container that has ice-crushing blades (most of them do now) with everything except the chocolate bar. Blend on high. After 10 seconds or so, or use a spatula to make sure no powders are sticking to the sides. Then add the chocolate bar. Fit cover on blender tightly and blend again on high, looking and listening carefully to make sure the chocolate is broken up but without making the shake too thin. Vary the buttons once or twice or shake the container a couple times to make sure to get rid of lumps. Pour into a tall glass and eat, if possible, with a stroon.
What’s a stroon? Well, you know, there’s a restaurant in Aunt Violet’s Neighborhood called Spork, which is a pretty good restaurant, actually, in a building that was a KFC for decades. You know the little combination forky-spoon that comes in the packet with the moist towelette and the napkin? Well, it’s called a spork.
A stroon is the straw with a little spoon on the end that they serve Icees with at the 7/11. You can steal some next time you go to any store where they sell Icees and gasoline.
Well that about does it for now, folks. I’ve procrastinated enough. I have to go do my taxes now. Hmmm…I’m pretty sure I have a box of cake mix around here somewhere…
*Oh, I almost forgot. Vanilla Sugar: Cut up a vanilla bean and tuck the pieces into a sugar bowl filled with Superfine Baking Sugar. This sugar is also nice because it dissolves fairly quickly, and every time you walk by the sugar bowl you can lift up the lid and smell the deliciousness of that fresh, natural vanilla. Yummy!